Why Parents Torment Their Kids

I could not help but chuckle this afternoon, when my youngest (18 year old daughter) asked in a less than pleasant tone, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY GUITAR?" You see, her rather generous grandfather, also a guitar player, voluntarily offered to have her amplifier repaired and had returned it to her today. (This, of course, is a topic for another day as to why our parents want to torment us by giving their grandchildren things that they know will torment us!) My wife informed our daughter that we had put her guitar in the basement, something approaching a mortal sin, because she wanted it left in her bedroom.

Nonetheless, she stomped to the basement and, after reaching the bottom of the steps, proclaimed, "it isn't here! What did you do with it?" We reassured her, that if she looked more carefully she would find it. And, sure enough, about 60 seconds later, she returned from the basement, guitar in hand, insisting we had no right to put it there in the first place. Only seconds later, from our daughter's bedroom came the cry of "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY GUITAR CORDS? THEY ARE NOT IN MY ROOM?" We calmly replied that we did not know where they were, despite her protests that we had put them in a place where she was likely never to find them...at least for another minute or two. Apparently, they had disappeared into the 'teenager's room black hole' where all things lost and misplaced by parents set out to torment their children, put all things that their children cannot find after 'carefully searching everywhere' for at least 10 to 15 seconds.

So I began to ponder what our answers should have been. Neither my wife, nor I, nor any visitors to our house play the guitar, so why would our daughter immediately believe we had sabotaged her ability to find this instrument which she plays regularly: at least once every 2 or 3 months? Moreover, why would we hide the cords she needs to plug the into her non-working amplifier? Does she really believe we are so bored that we torment her by hiding her earthly treasures? She shouldn't, but she still does.

So maybe we should save ourselves the frustration of not being able to answer the 'lost article' questions our teenagers ask. We might as well have a little fun if we are going to be blamed any way. So I propose we now start fulfilling our childrens' widely held belief and hide things that they will be certain to miss. Take one of their favorite socks, not the pair, just one, and put it in the sweater drawer. Then, take their favorite sweater and put it under their bed. You get the idea. Do something different every day and then wait for it..."WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY FAVORITE SOCKS? I CAN ONLY FIND ONE?" You then reply, "did you look in your sweater drawer? That's where you put it the last time you couldn't find it." And so it goes. They'll continue to find something you hid in a place where you convincingly tell them they put it!

If we all do this, I predict these teen aged children that we have repeatedly tormented by putting things where they can't find them will either (1) begin to think they are losing their mind or, (2) quit asking stupid questions!

Happy Hiding.

The Day the Earth Stood Still - January 5, 2009

Have you seen the new movie? Actually it's a remake of a 1951 classic...The Day the Earth Stood Still! Imagine that; they even gave it the same title. Now, those of you over say, 45, may remember the original. It provided a big, scary robot named GORT who never really hurt anyone. He just disintegrated their guns, tanks, missiles and other unnecessary implements of destruction.

Then there was the spaceman, who traveled a bazillion miles to give an inter-galactic message to the people of earth. He never hurt anyone either. OK, I suppose his threat to destroy earth because it was interfering with the balance of happiness in the universe, might be considered somewhat hostile, but this was 1951 and the nuclear (pronounced nuc-li-ur, not the way our current President pronounces it) race was on. So, it's not that far fetched to see why other beings inhabiting our universe might be a bit nervous. What? You don't believe in aliens? Any way, Keanu Reeves is the star of the 2008 version, while Michael Rennie was the star of the original version.

Unfortunately, the 2008 version, despite tremendous special effects, must have run out of production money. They never finished the movie. In the original version, KLATU, Michael Rennie's character, wanted to get the attention of all the people on earth so he could deliver his message. So, he made all the power on earth stop for exactly 30 minutes. No running cars. No trains. Planes suspended in mid-air. No elevators. Nothing. If it required power other than the sun, it didn't work. Then after 30 minutes, everything was back to normal. Then, after showing this great power and his ability to do what ever he wanted, KLATU addressed a meeting of scientists from all over the world, delivered his message for the people of earth to quit fighting each other or face destruction, and unceremoniously got into his spaceship and flew away. We got the message.

Keanu Reeves, however, made everything stop, for no apparent reason, and then the movie ended. It was like watching A Christmas Carol, having Scrooge wake up after the ghosts had visited and then rolling the credits without Scrooge celebrating Christmas Day! You never got the point. But that was Hollywood. But, I figure if KLATU can make the earth stand still, maybe I'll give it a try.

So tomorrow morning, at precisely 5:23 a.m., expect everything to stop. Please pay special attention to the aging process. You will be able to remain just as old as you are at 5:23 a.m. The good news is that I am not going to follow the original plot either. I am never starting things up again! You see, I will turn 55 years old tomorrow at 5:23 a.m. and I believe that's a good place to stop. Old enough to know better, but young enough to enjoy life; well, at least those parts that don't require power.

Actually, I am not really going to bring everything to a halt tomorrow morning at 5:23 a.m., but I bet a few of you were beginning to get scared. I have simply decided that I don't want to be older than 55. Please don't misunderstand. I want to go on living. I just want to remain as I am when I wake up tomorrow morning for the rest of my life, without measuring how long that really is, or at least allowing us to make each future year consist of 2,000 days each, rather than 365.

Which brings me to the real point of all this rambling: my personal distaste for all the people born on February 29th of any year. While I must wake up every January 5th to a rousing course of HAPPY BIRTHDAY, those born on February 29th only have to face this greeting once every 1,461 days! Therefore, since I was born on January 5, 1954, it was predetermined I would celebrate my 54th birthday on January 5th, 2008. Those born on February 29th, 1952, two years prior to me, only celebrated their 14th birthday in 2008! And they won't turn 15 until 2012! Now where is the fairness in that!
Now, I realize there are the optimists who will say, "you're only as old as you feel," but wouldn't all of us enjoy feeling like we are only 14 just like these leap year babies? My joints and aching muscles say YES!

I just had a brilliant idea. Maybe I will follow in the footsteps of KLATU and stop the world. But only for those people who were born on February 29th so they can catch up to the rest of us. Or maybe I'll just petition Congress and our soon to be new President, Mr, Obama, to delete February 29th from all calendars going forward, and force all birth certificates of those born on February 29th of any year to be changed to March 1st. That way, the February 29th babies will have like 4 times as many birthdays all in one year. That would teach them.

Nah. The politicians would never go for that. The reason: every year having a February 29th just happens to be a presidential election year. There is no way the candidates will give up that extra day of campaigning.

So, Happy Birthday to me and all you other readers who happened to have their birthdays fall on January 5th. Celebrating another birthday certainly beats the alternative!